Thursday, September 27, 2012

Open, Honest, Fear

I have many fears: failure, snakes, bees and other flying stinging insects, and social events. Really, for me, my social fear relates to my fear of failure. It doesn’t matter how well I know someone, how long we have been friends and hanging out, I get a gnawing, annoying fear prior to each and every event. I force myself out of it, have an awesome time with my friends, and then on the way home it hits- the fear and second guessing, the thoughts that my friends are not really my friends- they just feel sorry for me. I remember the “stupid shit” I said, and how the person or people I said it to must think I am an asshole of epic proportions. Sometimes it takes just a few minutes to remind myself that my friends are my friends- that they probably didn’t even notice whatever my transgressions were, as they were busy with their own. Other times, it is hours. Moments in time can come back and punch me in the stomach days, week, months, years after the fact. Long after that person would ever think about it- and even if they did, long after that person would have “forgiven” me, if necessary.

I decided some time ago that I needed to talk about this. I needed to deal with the lack of confidence in my interpersonal relationships, because it was hurting me. There are so many people over the years that I walked away from because I didn’t know how to deal. Sometimes I still don’t know how to deal, but I push through. I don’t want to be like some of the other people in my life who have nothing but their spouse and children. I want to have experiences that are not the same as my husbands, I want people to talk to that are not him. I don’t want to rely upon my theoretical children for a view of the world outside my home.

I’m not quite sure where I am going with this, but I feel the need to write this out. Probably because of upcoming work obligations that are going to force me into interactions with people I don’t know for 14ish hours a day for a week. I am going to have to carve out some quiet time to knit, read, or just simply find peace. 

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