Open, Honest, Fear

I have many fears: failure, snakes, bees and other flying stinging insects, and social events. Really, for me, my social fear relates to my fear of failure. It doesn’t matter how well I know someone, how long we have been friends and hanging out, I get a gnawing, annoying fear prior to each and every event. I force myself out of it, have an awesome time with my friends, and then on the way home it hits- the fear and second guessing, the thoughts that my friends are not really my friends- they just feel sorry for me. I remember the “stupid shit” I said, and how the person or people I said it to must think I am an asshole of epic proportions. Sometimes it takes just a few minutes to remind myself that my friends are my friends- that they probably didn’t even notice whatever my transgressions were, as they were busy with their own. Other times, it is hours. Moments in time can come back and punch me in the stomach days, week, months, years after the fact. Long after that person would ever think about it- and even if they did, long after that person would have “forgiven” me, if necessary.

I decided some time ago that I needed to talk about this. I needed to deal with the lack of confidence in my interpersonal relationships, because it was hurting me. There are so many people over the years that I walked away from because I didn’t know how to deal. Sometimes I still don’t know how to deal, but I push through. I don’t want to be like some of the other people in my life who have nothing but their spouse and children. I want to have experiences that are not the same as my husbands, I want people to talk to that are not him. I don’t want to rely upon my theoretical children for a view of the world outside my home.

I’m not quite sure where I am going with this, but I feel the need to write this out. Probably because of upcoming work obligations that are going to force me into interactions with people I don’t know for 14ish hours a day for a week. I am going to have to carve out some quiet time to knit, read, or just simply find peace. 

Minimal Knitting Content Ahead

I have been knitting a bit, but it doesn’t look like I’m making much progress. I am though - I think I have just one more repeat of the houndstooth before I start the decreases to finish off the head. I should be ready to start the arms by the end of this week, if I manage to get some knitting done in the evenings.

I was going to take a photo of the minimal progress, but then I didn't. It's been a week. I'll just post this today.

I’ve started an organization project: I’m going to re-tag all of my flickr photos. I’m slowly deleting all of my existing tags, and will start replacing them soon. It’s kind of annoying, but it will help me find the photos I’m looking for. I wish flickr made it easier to reuse tags, so then I don’t end up with 3 or 4 variations of “knit”.

Otherwise I’ve been spending my time reading cheesy romance novels (and finally started the book for my bookclub. More on that Thursday.) and now playing a web-based MMO gamed called Glitch. It’s really fun! You can either sign up for beta access (mine took about 2 weeks or so) or if you already have a friend with beta access they can send you an invite. I think the limit is 3 invites per person, and I still have all of mine… hint, hint!

Then there is Diablo III, which I will pick up more now than Mr. TEK is home in the evenings again, and Civ V. It’s a wonder I even get out of my chair!!

We also had scare with Duke this week. Onions. Which are poison to cats. *sigh* Why does he like to eat poison?

He's fine, we didn't even have to take him to the vet, but we did call (twice) just to be sure.

Knittyboard Swap Finished Object

I can hardly believe it is September already! I have been knitting all summer despite the record heat. And today I have a finished object for you! It’s not the shawl; I still haven’t gotten photos of me wearing it. Perhaps I will be inspired to get some when I get home from work tonight. I’ll have to find my tripod and remote shutter release.

Today’s finished object is a Monster I knit for the Knittyboard Farewell/Boardwarming Swap. I received a set of beautiful knit coasters that match my kitchen from helsbels. She even worked on them while she was at the London Olympics!

For my recipient, I wanted to send something to hug. I ordered some Malabrigo Chunky yarn and decided to make a quick monster. It was supposed to have ears, but I got down to the wire and chose antenna instead. I cut out felt circles to make the black safety eyes stand out against the dark yarn, and did a simple mouth.



As usual for me, I picked-up and knit the stitches for the arms and legs instead of sewing them on after, so they are a little crooked. Oops. The yarn did not pool as I expected, which is certainly good.

All in all, I love how this guy turned out. Each one seems to have its own personality.



Details-
Pattern: Gabby the Garden Monster
Yarn: Malabrigo Chunky  #247 Whales Road
Needles: US 10
Ravelry Link